Default This | Möngöl Hörde
- "Make way for the Mongol Horde, coming back to fuck you up!"
- "You're still a fucking weasel"
- "Natalie Portman's tapeworm had a sudden and very unexpected change of heart: He said 'this indie-chick schtick is no longer floating my wick, I think I need a fresh start.' So he detached himself quietly from the wall of her large intestine and made his way out through the usual exit, and in the bold light of day he heard himself say 'Hollywood is not quiet how I expected.'"
- "Once more with less coherence"
- "God gave me consciousness but he never mentioned why. What's the use in living long if we're all condemned to die? Humbled in hospitals, I have seen the bitter end; everyone will die alone deserted by their friends. I want it back."
- "Born a little early, wasn't what she wanted at all... She was stillborn."
- "Basically, if you can't make your meaning plain with all the richness of the English language and you have to resort to cartoon faces made with punctuation marks you're a dick."
- "You're a fucking charlatan (not the band)."
- "Your problem is you're all cunts, and while you put up an impressive front of understanding the ways of the world (or maybe even having slept with a girl), yeah, the truth is I can see right through, because I used to be just like you back when I was an adolescent.
- But since then I've learned a couple of lessons; that your intentions are beside the point. It's the outcome of your actions that count.
- If your intentions are pure when you fuck me I'll still get the STDs."
- "Gather 'round children, I have a secret to tell... I know you've followed me faithfully this far, but the secret is, well... You must have known that I was joking? That I was taking the piss? You all claim that I'm a genius, but a genius would never want this."
- "And little Vladamir, and little Jospeh, little Fidel, and little Mao... and little Che, they all realised they looked like dickheads, and everything that they built is now slipping away"
- "I am the captain of this ship and I will be obeyed, and if you're not on the bridge then you're a galley slave"
- "Paul McCartney and John Lennon came back from a different future armed with notebooks filled up with songs stolen from kids who now stay at home."
Möngöl Hörde
There’s been a fair bit of brouhaha in the run up to this release. I mean, even the NME have shoved their oar in. Something must be afoot.
The nucleus of the hysteria seems to surround the fact that Hörde’s stock is a marked withdrawal from vocalist Frank Turner’s ‘Summer 2012′ output, and folk just don’t know what to make of it.
Way I see it, cunt’s got an incredible vocal range, and it’s common knowledge that both he and drummer Ben Dawson cut their teeth to this shit many moons ago with Kneejerk. Their collaboration again, this time with Sleeping Souls’ Matt Nasir (dude’s got a wiki) on axe duty, is enough of a rose-tint for me.
So I figured it’d be a good idea to dilute my immediate bias for this LP by inviting another opinion, and so as to represent both sides equally, said opinion should come from an admirer of Frank’s Sleeping Souls moonlighting to fill the void in my current affairs locker.
My friend’s niece is a devotee, and at the tender age of nineteen, has racked up a double-digit F.T.&.T.S.S gig count, which is worthy of kudos (although her last gig was Lorde, she tells me). She’s also contemplating a Sleeping Souls tattoo, and as someone who has spent most of their life trying to scrape the funds together to get a Million Dead lyric etched into their skin, I’m grateful for the kindred element we share here.
[SPOILER: My co-host was unsure of the credibility of this publication, so her name has been changed to Sophia. Generalising her opinions as reflective of those of all Sleeping Souls fans is inadvisable.]
Make Way
“Make way for the Mongol Horde, coming back to fuck you up!”
Weighed And Found Wanting
“You’re still a fucking weasel”
Tapeworm Uprising
“Natalie Portman’s tapeworm had a sudden and very unexpected change of heart: He said ‘this indie-chick schtick is no longer floating my wick, I think I need a fresh start.’ So he detached himself quietly from the wall of her large intestine and made his way out through the usual exit, and in the bold light of day he heard himself say ‘Hollywood is not quiet how I expected.'”
Casual Threats From Weekend Hardmen
“Once more with less coherence”
Staff To The Refund Counter
“God gave me consciousness but he never mentioned why. What’s the use in living long if we’re all condemned to die? Humbled in hospitals, I have seen the bitter end; everyone will die alone deserted by their friends. I want it back.”
The Yurt Locker
Stillborn Unicorn
“Born a little early, wasn’t what she wanted at all… She was stillborn.”
Winky Face: The Mark Of A Moron
“Basically, if you can’t make your meaning plain with all the richness of the English language and you have to resort to cartoon faces made with punctuation marks you’re a dick.”
Weak Handshake
“You’re a fucking charlatan (not the band).”
Your Problem
“Your problem is you’re all cunts, and while you put up an impressive front of understanding the ways of the world (or maybe even having slept with a girl), yeah, the truth is I can see right through, because I used to be just like you back when I was an adolescent.
But since then I’ve learned a couple of lessons; that your intentions are beside the point. It’s the outcome of your actions that count.
If your intentions are pure when you fuck me I’ll still get the STDs.”
How The Communists Ruined Christmas
“Gather ’round children, I have a secret to tell… I know you’ve followed me faithfully this far, but the secret is, well… You must have known that I was joking? That I was taking the piss? You all claim that I’m a genius, but a genius would never want this.”
“And little Vladamir, and little Jospeh, little Fidel, and little Mao… and little Che, they all realised they looked like dickheads, and everything that they built is now slipping away”
Blistering Blue Barnacles
“I am the captain of this ship and I will be obeyed, and if you’re not on the bridge then you’re a galley slave”
Hey Judas
“Paul McCartney and John Lennon came back from a different future armed with notebooks filled up with songs stolen from kids who now stay at home.”
OK, Sophia isn’t real. She exists neither as an alias nor a human being (though, to be fair, I’d be genuinely surprised if you made it this far on my half-baked rouse). She’s a generalisation, a cliché, a myth used by former fans of Turner’s work to add weight to a fallacy that he’s sold out, lost his way, let us down. This is bollocks. Having toured every toilet venue in the UK, he’s pulled himself up to play the most. ridiculous. shows.
Then he won Mastermind, Iron Maiden as his specialist subject.
Next? He starts a fucking hardcore band with two of his best mates, taking it right back to where it all began. He’s kept it real, he’s earned his keep.
Imagine being that guy. Imagine being candid in every word you wrote, note you sang, throat you rendered hoarse because people paid to see a show. Imagine every cunt having an opinion because you released a few albums other people went out and bought.
Don’t torrent this record on Monday, learn the lyrics, then show up at the summer shows with a sense of self-importance because you were there all along, from the start, man.
Buy the record (there are three days left to pre order the 12″ from Xtra Mile, or Banquet if you’re south of the river) – play it fucking loud – pull the tapeworm out of your ass.
